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[29 Nov 2003|12:58pm] |
i*m cold,
come warm me with your breath
i like the way you keep your hand right there
on that bend
and move in time to music
and how
you squirm and call
me fidgety
and you*re always hungry for something
i*m thinking
me too only
not for food
effective the way you leaned across me
twice last night
lovingly- and i wanted
you to know what was in my mind,
i like being un-alone
especially since it means
i am with you...
forever
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[27 Nov 2003|09:02pm] |
you have my identity printed on your smile. you seem to spell my name with the words floating from your mouth.
your stride gives me security and unties me the same.
//and i can see toilet paper floating from trees like halloween night. and inky quill paper blotted blackness, and candle-like glow around your eyes. feathers for the matches words for the flame.
// i can see the wicks in your pupils, and the color.
like paints on a palette, and the pink i saw in the sky this morning on my way to school.
and it made
me
think
of
you.
i
love
you.
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[21 Nov 2003|05:07pm] |
run away with me.
i have thirty two dollars and half a tank of gas, and we could make to mexico if we close our eyes and wish. and then i could have my sun and you could have your shade, and we could listen to songs that make us smile on repeat and it would be warm, but not the humid, sticky, makes-you-restless kind of hot, but the early evening type when you wish you could stay outside forever, or at least until the darkness consumes you. covered in thin layers of salt from the sea and the air, and we wouldn*t need to sleep, because that*s just wasted time, better to use the hours, because each is precious. they couldn*t find us, tell us it was time to leave, we would hide behind the sticky trunks of palm trees, in the turquoise sparkling waves. i couldn*t cry, wouldn*t ever cry, no tears dripping onto the sand. when we ran out of money, we could survive on the sky, and the stars and we could criss-cross limb over limb until we were tangled together, woven into a blanket of you and me. because you make me feel so lightheaded, kiss me behind books and turned backs until we make silhouettes on walls, and hold me forever and the clock will stop.
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| your smile<3 |
[31 Aug 2003|10:00pm] |
[nine oh seven]; five small candles decorate my windowsill, tiny flames licking the wicks, glinting blue and orange and reflecting into the night, so comfortingly dangerous; i long to dip my fingertips in the wax and spread the melting pastel colors on my skin until it hardens; [and thirty-five seconds]; sheets beckon me, but i know they are so cold when there is only one body occupying the bed; remembering how perfect your body curves to mine in the fetal position, smooth warmth and how i wish the clock would slow, pause the creeping minute hand; [nine oh eight]; struggling against eyelids dropping in love drugged slumber, fighting off dreams fragments which are only lost, strewn in early dawn clouds, tye-dyed with pinks and blues. i want to keep those shards in a box under my pillow, marked with permanent marker labels, so i can; [ and forty-seven seconds]; find them, shake out the wrinkles and use them the next time i need an old dream; some of them still seem so fresh; [eleven oh nine]; photos look aged in the flickering glow, black and white glossy shine, but your smile is the same in any light.
i love you <3 SO MUCH <3
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| 60 things |
[13 Aug 2003|12:43am] |
sixty things i want to do before i*m thirty
inspired by mandymoore <3
1. get married/have a family
2. star in a movie (or just be in one)
3. have a CD out
4. jump out of a plane
5. touch a spider
6. swim with shamu
7. learn how to play the piano
8. explore all 50 states
9. have an encounter with a ghost (a nice one)
10. go on an archoeological dig and then find every bone of a dinosaur and put it together
11. scuba dive
12. go camping
13. climb a mountain
14. sponser a child from one of those commercails
15. direct a film
16. fire a gun
17. become a "big brother" well, sister...to a child
18. help at a nursing home
19. spend a day in a wheelchair
20. go on a cruise
21. go to an awards show
22. be on a magazine cover
23. find a cure to a disease
24. invent something
25. own a star
26. get laser eye surgery
27. donate blood
28. wrestle in jello
29. fly a stunt plane
30. water ski
31. go on a double decker plane
32. go to the moon
33. write a book or a play
34. throw away grudges
35. buy an apartment in NYC and LA
36. get a doggie
37. catch a criminal
38. find a missing child
39. learn CPR
40. get extensions
41. learn to bartend
42. learn to draw
43. design a coloring book
44. win a contest
45. sign an autograph
46. have a body guard
47. run a mile in under 9 minutes
48. join a gym
49. jump into a pool without holding my nose
50. design a clothes line
51. cast a play
52. get a reading from john edward
53. finish a whole crossword puzzle without cheating
54. take singing lessons
55. get a meaningful tattoo
56. be on broadway
57. win an award
58. stop violence and invent something like in minorty report
59. model
60. interview someone for a magazine
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[11 Aug 2003|11:03pm] |
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and it*s when i run out of the house, away from her words and accusations and other such projectiles, out into the world and to his arms. we*ll lay in the dark, entwined, again, and figure out just the right way to breathe and everything feels fine. like sand, i sift him between my fingers and little bits of his love stick to my back teeth and all i want is him, like this, us, now, forever. nobody but him can rescue me from myself. when he*s sleeping and i cry my silly tears into his hair and he just clings to me like he was meant to, that is when the world works, when gravity isn*t a rule anymore
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| ways to fly |
[04 Aug 2003|12:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
98 freestyle |
] |
i close my eyes
i see us out there
counting stars
holding hands
i love to hold your hand...
i remember falling asleep one night a child- and waking up the next morning knowing what heartbreak felt like, those are the sort of memories one can only hope to put past them...but now, i fall asleep to your voice and i wake up feeling 5 years older and thats ok with me.
you*re like the missing puzzle piece and without you the wind is too strong, on long nights when ther clock strikes midnight and you whisper 'i love you' the sky is perfect. i can trace the outline of your lips in the dark and feel you breathe over me and this is what love is and i never want to stop breathing you in. you leave me with 1000 words and a million different ways to fly <3<3<3
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| i*m full of you <3 |
[18 Jun 2003|09:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pensive |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
fame |
] |
i remember a room too hot that it felt like it was late summer, with a ceiling fan that didn*t make a difference to the thick heat, spinning silently in the dark. and you. in the deep, suffocating black, where i could barely feel my face, see myself, there you were. you*re not a memory, but a constant, refreshed, imprinted on my body, my mind; you are all around me. writing our story on my skin, searing prose, fingertip tracing the letters, lips following until i think i might be dreaming this time; but it*s too real, the electricity buzzing in my ears, in my veins, pumped through my lungs until i*m full of you. and it feels so familiar, so easy, so comfortable and i can*t imagine when you won*t fit next to me, curve for curve. so beautiful in the early morning light, hours later, tangled in cotton sheets until we*re covered in snow, new snow, and out the picture windows, the city miles away, a distant land. wrap me in you and we*ll pretend we never have to leave, never abandon our cocoon, never pulled apart, beause this is too sweet, too perfect to become just a memory, boxed, labeled, and set with the other ones on a shelf. i want to hold on to you.
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| open to you <3 |
[04 Jun 2003|05:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 loved |
] |
artist, make me something beautiful...you. take this energy from me and create. know these thoughts running through my head and create a swirl of colors, splashes of vibrance. i never wanted to paint, sketch, capture a feeling more than this and the frustration is building since i can*t express this emotion through words, it seems, everything sounds old, printed before. would you think less of me if i said that i was fallen, lost in you? i can*t imagine life without you or not hearing your voice...i*m not too dependent, i*m just not used to being so enraptured, so in love, so forgive this dizzy haze, hold me as it increases. april showers should have brought may flowers but the sky's still grey and we're counting the days, red 'X'ing the calendar until the sun shines again.(WHY IS THERE SO MUCH RAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!) even still, you shine through the rain and make life bright. maybe i*ve made up for the still sleeping flowers, i*ve opened up, bloomed it seems; with the buds of soft dew kisses, i*ve blossomed, feeling my new petals open to you, to the world.
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[07 Apr 2003|12:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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tummy ache |
] |
| [ |
music |
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rocky |
] |
the ostrich-egg sun cracked itself on the horizon and oozed out its offerings over the reluctantly green landscape. and for once, i was able to appreciate it for what it was instead of condemning it as a reminder of the sort of beauty i could never hope to embrace. but now i know that the hope and the reality are both in the air, swirling like a pleasant tornado, touching the ground when he is around me.i hate to say that there aren*t words, because there are probably words for this that i have not learned, or maybe i just don*t have the dexterity to manipulate the ones that i know right now. i feel permanent without the heaviness and finality that implies, i feel infinite without the stagnant sensation of immortality, i feel soft in spite of the rough edges of this planet.
i see summer in him.
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[27 Mar 2003|12:47pm] |
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these fake spring days make me feel like i could fly, and i love how light i feel; clear sunshine draped over the shoulders of still-winter wind, and there*s a chill, but it wakes me up. i feel like i*ve slept for so long, black hours crept silently unwatched, neon face glowing as two o*clock, three o*clock rolls by; hit the clock to the floor, i don*t want to spend these nights alone anymore. now you*ve shaken me, aroused me so that i can feel you all the time; kisses tinged with smiles, there*s this underlying desire for you that fills me when i rise the next morning, as refreshing and new as the breeze that sweeps across my skin and blows my hair in my face until i can*t see. laughing behind sunglasses reflecting off the road as we roll down the windows and welcome the new season with its afternoons of lazy clouds and nights of early summer warmth. guide me so i don*t fall, let my weight rest on you; i know you will hold me up when my steps falter; i know you will be there when the spring days fade, water colored dripping into charcoal smudged skies, and i need you to be my wings.
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| let me count the ways |
[21 Feb 2003|04:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
rentttt |
] |
hands pressed close in freezing february nights and smiles shared behind fogged windows. breath paused in suspension when the heater doesn*t work and watching the moon until the road swerves, but maybe it*s just your kisses doing that. i*d say it*s as good as flying, but it might be better, the way you send me into spirals, and i don*t think i*ll ever come down. i want to write you love letters on 3x5 cards because it would look like i have so much more to say that just 'i adore you' and 'i love you' when i string them up on thin silver wire around you, you*re my cup of coffee, my sweet fix, days when i turn the radiators up just so i can burn my bare toes on the hot metal because it feels so good. if i opened myself any wider, i*d drown in you, and in the feedback of that transistor radio in the garage that only picks up AM airwaves, but provides such a comforting background, white noise. let me count the ways on all my fingers how i couldn*t live without you. i want to bejewel your eyelids with emeralds and hibiscus petals, your cheeks, your lips, your body, so when you wake and shake off the sand of sleep, all around you is beauty...because you make me feel so alive.
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[19 Feb 2003|12:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
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paper heart |
] |
a clean blanket of snow covers the ground and through my frost painted window i watch as the tiny flakes dance in the streetlight splashed air. i can almost feel the winter chilling me to my bones, straight through flesh until i am ice, clear and crystal and beautiful; an ice sculpture waiting for you to chip off a glinting piece of me and put it in your mouth, on your tongue and feel how i melt against you. knowing that if you lay next to me, your body heat would ensure that my fingers would not be numb, passion mixed with nighttime adoration, we can make our own snow under the sheets filled with the blue morning light. and soon i'm liquid, burning not with frostbite, but with you instead, fueling some february fire. calm me with whispers on pillows and kisses so soft that they rock me to sleep so gentle that it feels like i'm just drifting, tucked into snow banks and cradled in your arms.
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| i have you |
[22 Dec 2002|06:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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nothing |
] |
i'm tired, ready to give up on everything, yet something..someone...keeps pushing me to go further even when i don't want to. even when i hate to get up in the morning, someone keeps helping me to ignore my pain. i'm run down, exhausted from going and going and going in circles it seems. i've never felt such pressure to succeed, and to be something great. i'm sick from sleep deprivation. i can't sleep at night knowing that things are falling apart and i know i can do something about it if i weren't so blah all the time. i'm glad i have something pushing me so that i won't quit and become dormant like i used to be. i know this is probably good for me but i don't like how i can't do anything about it myself. my comfort zone is a place where all my worries seem to not exist. they say this place isn't reality, but do i really care? i'm forced to have to come out and face my discomfort and it's good for me. i'm learning everyday that i need to learn more because i don't know very much. i strive for the best in life but seem to always fall short more often than not. i like where i'm going and where i'm ending up. but how much longer will all of this last? cry no tears of sorrow...cause i have you
i have you...
i love you
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| 18 without a purpose or direction... |
[12 Nov 2002|02:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hungry |
] |
| [ |
music |
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failure by design |
] |
can*t talk it all up too much anymore, low profile low everything. low fuel. stewing in a pile of bricks to big to contain me but too small to hold me...i told you i could be cruel and i*m waiting for the clock to run out on me...until i*m forced to begin. there*s some days when i think it*s all going to pan out and i*ll be solved for someone to pick up where the thought of her kitchen knives left off...the world gets to me. listening to sad sad songs and wanting to take this weight under my skin and watch it crawl around. transparency is a beautiful thing if you allow it. im only struggling at eighteen to find out where i stand on every political, religious, and otherwise topic under the sun, so i can stir up an educated argument in this hole. now THATS my idea of fun...this is not what i need, school doesn*t challange me and i don*t find any good here...i find good in a man who stands on dingy cement in the heart of everything groteaque and plays his harmonica for hours on end, case open on the ground begging for change. "thank you sweet heart" he says wheni put in a dollar...you*re welcome is what i think, "you*re welcome" is what i said. i am begging for something to do with all this fire all this passion that i am neither smart enough to argue for or talented enough for. there are a million "me's" and even more voices that are aching to shake a finger in one way or the other. i*m only struggling at eighteen to find out where i*m living besides under the sun so i can stir up an educated argument in this place...now that*s my idea of fun.
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| seven months.2 days |
[17 Oct 2002|01:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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hungry |
] |
| [ |
music |
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none suzi is asleep |
] |
just the thought of your breathing, the sound of in-and-out over miles of metal, cords, and cable and you were there, and the wind wasn't so biting.
it doesn't have to be the coldest day of the year.
the world is still fucked up, but at least there is something keeping my hands from being scraped on the ground.
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| only then |
[09 Oct 2002|01:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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last *5* years |
] |
i want to kiss the insides of your wrists and tell you that you make me feel beautiful. you're a glass figurine with a wooden locked door to your heart and suddenly i have the key on the chain around my neck and its cool silver makes me shiver with something i only used to associate with uncertainty but now you make me glow with ultraviolet rays, shining with pearl tears of happiness which left opalescent streaks down my cheeks. and i look sick, dark purple circles under my heavy lids, but from lacking sleep because too often i lie in the dark and think of you. you can swirl in the folds of darkness, beckoning me to reach out my arms and stroke the soft skin of your face.the static of the phones coming between us and all i can hear are the undulating tones of your words, moving slowly over me until i feel washed clean by the murmurs on the other end of the line. somehow when i'm with you i feel like i'm moving in slow motion, allowing the moments to stretch out and last until the minute hand on my mother's clock has gotten too sleepy and has stopped moving. and only then will you tell me goodnight. <3<3<3
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| and i*m not sure i want to |
[28 Aug 2002|12:22pm] |
| [ |
music |
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phantom planet |
] |
and i'm newton's law, a science baby. objects in motion stay in motion. throw myself into you so i can't see what's behind me. and objects at rest stay at rest. rest against you, back against back, sultry spring air heavy on our faces. and i complain about the shade and you complain about the sun and somehow we end up switched, i bathed in shadow, you in full rays. you wrapped me in my black shawl the other day in my dreams, your eyes burning even though there was no fire to make them glow like that. i wanted to reach you, arms stretched, elbows straight, but you were always a fingertip brush away. cherry blossom pink blushes and nudges which somehow have deeper meaning than just shoulder touches. i love you. wondering what will happen when the lust of cool breezes merges with the humid lives of summer, when days stretch upon days upon nights, piling up the stars. i want to paint you in a box and keep you by my bed while i sleep, i want to come so close. and somehow i think i'm waiting too long, lingering too near, but for some reason, i can't pull myself away from this early afternoon daydream. [and i'm not sure i want to.]
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| freedom to conform |
[19 Aug 2002|11:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
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bike scene |
] |
i have one million thoughts all struggling to outbid each other. trying to convince me one is more important than the former. and the general outcry seems to be "no one cares to hear that so try me." the general opinion seems that i've lost my mind if i think there's a majority and minority to be heard, both trapped inside of me. and i do so i am, at least that's what they tell me. but they is me and i am nothing. what does it matter if we lose proper grammer, hell, we said FUCK CAPITALIZATION several fucking months ago. and cursing is trendy so fill every sentence with as many as you can fit in, it doesn't even have to be coherent cause coherency is overrated. and if you run out of thoughts, just *tYpE lIkE tHIs* cause content means nothing as long as you package it right. your colors don't have to match, just make sure you use as many as you possibly can, might as well be tacky and go out with a bang. fuck, some people will mistake you for being original if you can find the right color scheme. plaid on stripes on glowing text that scrolls in both directions and changes fonts when you place your cursor over it. and i'm unique, so are you, let's get together and seperate ourselves from the rest of these people, we'll wait until they are like us and not like everyone else and then we'll all be the better for it and when everyone's the same, we'll start over again. and it's almost comical how i strive to find someone with common interests, try to mold them into myself and then end up hating them because they are too much like me. but what the hell. i'm still trying to change me. and i meet so many people who go out looking for trouble, who define their life by how many tragedies hit them, who would rather suffer than seek help, rather hurt themselves because they think that makes them unique even though twenty million other people are cutting themselves just the same. so i've been trying to tell them how good they really have it, but they give me this look of disbelief and say "you don't know what it's like to be me, how horrible my life is." but i do cause i've been there before, hell, i've seen worse. you create your pain yourself, honey, trade places with me fast and i promise you won't be disappointed, the package of my life includes more pain than you could ever dream of. and it's all F-R-E-E, just in that U S of A fashion that we all believe in. the american dream of something for nothing. all the pain you can eat, all the heartache you can stomach. just sign this dotted line, here and here and here, sorry for the inconvenience, but it's important that there's no way out of this agreement for you. and did we mention we need your credit card number? oh it's just a formality, you'll trust we won't charge you a penny, but could you tell us what your household income is? and do you buy from our company often? what about our sponsors? would you be interested in hearing from them on the rare occasion for newletters and free giveaways, if you'd only enclose some shipping and handling, such a small fee, and i trust you won't mind if we disclose your home phone number to a few trusted companies that our company is in bed with? aren't you proud to be an american? and oh i saw some special on the television. bill mahr was quoted on saying that the terrorists were not cowards. and we have the first ammendment, we have our rights to our opinions, but YOU BETTER WATCH WHAT YOU SAY they say, now more than ever. cause we're all patriots here, not hypocrites. freedom of speech as long as it doesn't offend us, didn't you read the memo? everyone's required to have a flag on their bumper stickers and "we love new york" is on billions of T-shirts. if there isn't a scandal, we'll create one. if you don't like it, move to russia or afghanistan. because you can't be american unless you're a patriot.
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